How I (Slowly) Went from ‘Maybe’ to ‘Yes’ on Having Kids

The closest I was to deciding "No" on having kids was when I was 29, recently single after a big breakup and building a vision for my life that didn’t include marriage or children. For the first time, I allowed myself to imagine a future that was entirely my own.

Accepting that possibility took the pressure off finding a partner. There was no rush to find someone before egg count became a concern.

I wasn’t a hard "No," but at the time, I surrendered to any outcome, including never becoming a parent.

I was still in the “I don’t know if I want kids” camp when I met Johnny (my husband) at 30.

He was more sure about it, though.

From the beginning, he said he wanted nine kids. Yes, nine. We've been together for almost three years, and I still don’t know if he’s kidding.

Despite Johnny's talk of nine kids, I wasn’t worried about the decision to have them or not yet. I was more focused on figuring out if he would be a good partner first.

Even when we discussed being together forever and tying the knot, about eight months into our relationship, we only talked about starting a family in theory. We decided to plan our lives as if we were going to have children, even if we weren’t sure. Johnny said he wanted to be done having babies at 40 (he was 33 then). I said I wanted to be married for a year before starting to try. So we figured out a timeline from there.

But I remember we started talking seriously about parenting and parenting styles one year into dating, during our vacation in Hawaii. We talked about how sex ed was introduced to us while growing up, and how we’d approach parenting if our teenager was caught with drugs, among other topics.

Us in Hawaii, moments before talking about how we used to sneak alcohol past our parents growing up and how we’d handle it with our kids

Then we moved in together. Then we got engaged.

When the ring was on my finger, I was primarily concerned with this question: Does he want kids with me in theory?

Still on the fence, this question was less about a decision and more about validation. We didn't know if we wanted them, but I wanted reassurance that he wanted to be a parent with me specifically.

Looking back, this seems silly, but I also have compassion for myself. Deciding to get married is a huge decision, and I was looking for every shred of reassurance that I was making the right one that I could get.

Even though, of course, he wanted to have kids with me in theory (why would he have asked me to marry him otherwise??), we still weren’t sure. We kept spinning our wheels for months.

Why Johnny and I were on the fence when we got engaged

• Johnny told me he can't think of anything he'd enjoy about having a baby. (The parenting part, not the part where we make it lol) This was mildly concerning, but Johnny is the kind of man who doesn’t get excited about a vacation until we are stepping off the plane at our destination, so it didn’t worry me too much.

• I was caught up in the finances of it all. We live near San Jose (CA), and it's one of the most expensive places to live, buy a house, etc. We were already starting on hard mode since our cost of living is higher than it could be based on our zip code alone. Johnny earns a government salary. I'm an entrepreneur with a new business. We do okay, but since we don't work in tech, I already feel behind, even without a kid.

• I worried about how having a kid would affect my career. I felt scared by this belief that jumping into motherhood = earning less for a few years while raising young kids.

• Our life is peaceful and full. We see friends often, travel internationally, stroll downtown for gelato, and take spontaneous trips to live music in Santa Cruz. It’s the kind of life that feels perfect as it is, so why change that with a baby?

• We don't have family nearby for support. My parents are five hours away in New York City by plane. Johnny's parents are five hours away by car from Los Angeles. The lack of easy, convenient family support worries me when making this decision. Does it mean we'll have to hire someone to help? Will my mom have to shack up with us for a while? Do we just rely on friends? These decisions already feel so stressful.

Speaking of family support, for years my mother has said she doesn't want to be a grandmother.

I know she's saying this in terms of her own relationship with ageing (she associates being a grandma with being "old"). Still, it definitely hurt me to hear her say that. It made me feel like getting her support when I'd need it most would be challenging, or I'd feel guilty because I know she'd rather be in Bali on a silent yoga retreat, working on an interior design project, or learning how to salsa. So that didn't help.

We were on the fence for a whole year after getting engaged, until our “maybe” turned into a “yes.”

But that year, we talked about our fears with our family. I talked about it in therapy. I watched countless videos online from new moms who lamented having kids, sitting in their cars, crying, and wishing someone had told them it would be more challenging than they thought.

Was that going to be me?

The spreadsheet that changed everything

Shortly after our wedding and honeymoon, I remember driving to another town on a sunny day with our dog to grab beers and burgers (my ideal daytime date). It was November 2024. We started chatting about the baby decision, as usual (there were times when Johnny told me I couldn't bring it up anymore because I was bringing it up so often), and we decided to make a decision by October 2025.

That day we decided to not decide

This made me feel at peace. I was happier putting this decision off for a while and enjoying our marriage. We had always talked about waiting at least one year after our wedding to start trying anyway. I tried to put it out of my mind.

But the topic of “can we afford kids?” arose again during our annual financial meeting a month later.

Johnny mapped out three scenarios: stopping investments, reducing contributions, or keeping everything as is without kids. Seeing the numbers, I realized we’d be fine at retirement age, even if we didn’t invest another dollar for decades. That calmed me. I realized we could afford one kid, maybe even two.

I am so grateful to have a partner who's 1) willing to run the numbers, 2) not afraid to address my fears, and 3) open-minded to different outcomes.

At that very moment, we were still a maybe. But we planned to try in early 2026, IF we wanted to.

This helps you see how you can make this decision together.

You don't have to go into marriage knowing either way. Right now, our marriage is our top priority - not kids we don't have.

If we evaluated every factor (money, health, goals, how we are as partners, our ability to manage emotions, etc.) and realized that having a kid didn't make sense, we could decide not to go for it.

It's a decision you make together. It's not always going to be something you agree on, either way, from day one.

Wrapping my head around “yes” after being on the fence for years

I don't know what Johnny's journey is like on this, so I can only speak for myself. I can think of three major shifts.

1. Accepting that a part of me will "die"

2. Feeling a spiritual shift

3. Having an honest conversation with my mom

Let's break this down.

When watching videos of moms talking about their journeys on social media at 2 am, as one does, one sentiment kept popping up: "A part of you dies when you give birth."

That advice never really did much for me until I had this moment wash over me, where I felt that this current version of me was ready to "die."

This version of me today? She has done everything she needed to do to get to THIS point, where she's ready for a part of herself to die to bring a life into the world.

That sounds morbid, but I'm proud of myself for getting to this level of acceptance and a point in my life where I have a strong support network of friends and family, even though they live far away. I have financial stability, independence, and a blossoming career as a podcaster. And I have an incredible relationship with a partner who has my back. I've done 10+ years of therapy and have come so far in learning to manage my emotions.

The calm, peace, and flow I have in my life right now is no accident; it's taken me years to get here, and this version of me is ready to move over to make room for the next one, who will be a mom (hopefully).

Along with this realization came a deeply spiritual shift.

You probably know me as a super practical, pragmatic person. I'm not religious. I don't connect with the spiritual side of myself often (but I'm not closed off to it either).

But while traveling to New York City in March to visit friends, I was reflecting on what I've shared with you so far, and I just had this feeling that there's a spirit or soul out there waiting for me to give it life. I know. It sounds crazy, and I can't believe I'm telling you this. When I told Johnny, he trolled me by asking scientific questions about souls and what they're made out of, how they're measured, how they're created, etc. (I loved it). He's not a believer, but that’s okay.

Anyway, this awareness made me feel even more excited about the decision to have a baby.

But there are moments where I still feel hung up. Is this the right move?

I had a phone call with my mom recently about my concerns about my career and having a new business while trying to start a family. Sometimes I forget that my mom built her company, which she owned and ran for 20+ years, from our living room when I was five years old. I know my career isn't over once I have a kid. But I had to hear it from her to get reassurance.

We also talked honestly about her feelings toward not wanting to be a grandmother. She expressed her fears of becoming tethered to my new family, becoming the babysitter, and losing her independence, which is her most prized possession. My mom told me about how my late grandmother was with her when I was born; she was always in her business and couldn't relax with her around. I reassured her that 1) our relationship is different than theirs and 2) there's this fantastic thing called boundaries! It’s all the rage these days. We discussed what having her help us in the newborn stage might look like. For example, instead of staying with us in our small house, she could get an Airbnb nearby so she's not constantly in our space.

Realizing I’d have my mom’s support as I stepped into motherhood made the decision feel lighter. I'm so grateful that we have spent years cultivating an incredible relationship and being able to have calm conversations like this.

So that's where I am now. Ready for the next chapter, but not jumping into it right away. I'm about to turn 33. We said we wanted to start trying in about eight months, which feels VERY weird to share publicly because… what if we change our minds again? What if we want to shift our timeline? I'm sure you'll understand.

Right now, I’m savoring the freedom and stillness I know I might miss if we do end up having a kid in the next year or two.

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